Parenting Is a Process

Tonight, my four year old said she didn’t want to live with me anymore. Tonight, my four year old picked her new family, said she’d pack her toys and that she’d be ok to go live with her friends. Tonight, my four year old proved that kids are hurtful and cruel and not capable of bearing the weight of my self-worth.

What do I mean by this? My whole parenting journey has been marked by deep wounds inflicted by tiny little sinners. When she was 2, she went on an “I hate you” rampage. She was T-W-O. And now at 4, when I asked her to put her bikes away so we could go on a walk. My “bossing her around” earned me scathing looks, detached indifference and cruel comments that I’d expect from a 14 year old.

If I was being a completely shitty mom, it would be easier. But I wasn’t. I know I wasn’t. I pulled her close and told her I loved her. I told her I’d always be her Mama and she’d be my baby girl forever. I told her no matter what hurtful things she said or did I would never let her go and I’d never stop loving her. I said all the right things, I told myself all the things I’ve been trying to remember. I showed her grace, I didn’t take her attitude personally. I didn’t let her view of me make me think I was a bad mom. I know I’m a good mom. I have my faults, of course, but I show up, I love fiercely, I’m learning and growing and trying. I’m letting God shape me, instead of letting their opinions change me. So tonight, when I was the only one she wouldn’t miss if she moved out, I didn’t let that break me. I didn’t place my entire self-worth as a mother on how she reacted to me. That’s too great of a burden for a little one to bear.

And yet….the reality is, even after all my good words and decent attitudes, even after a long talk and an apology, even then, it still hurts. On the days when I’m trying hard to control my temper, when I’m actively talking my anger and defensiveness down off a cliff, when I’m confident I’m saying the right words, even if not in 100% the right way, it’s hard to remember that it’s a process. Some days it feels like my fury will break us forever. It doesn’t. God’s grace covers that and gives us another day. Some days I lament that my “perfect parenting” didn’t seem to sink in, despite the fact that I checked all the boxes. God’s grace gives us another day, then, too.

I’m thankful for the reminder that my relationship with my kids doesn’t end on the bad days. I’m hopeful that my relationship with my kids will be marked by more “good” days. I’m confident that no matter how many bad days or good days our relationship has, God’s grace covers that. Parenting is a process – each day, each moment, each conversation, each interaction just one tiny drop in the ocean of a lifetime together.